Celtic Lyrics Corner > Compilations > Scotland The Real > Oor Hamlet

Scotland The Real Oor Hamlet
Credits: Traditional; lyrics by Adam McNaughtan
Appears On: Scotland The Real (compilation)
Language: Scots-English


There was this king sittin' in his gairden aw alane
When his brother in his ear pourt a wee tate o henbane
Then he stole his brother's crown and his money and his widow
But the deid king walked and goat his son and said, "Hey, listen, kiddo
Ah've been killt and it's your duty to take revenge on Claudius
Kill him quick and clean and tell the nation whit a fraud he is"
The boay says, "Right, Ah'll dae it but ah'll need tae play it crafty
So that naeb'dy will suspect me, Ah'll kid oan that Ah'm a dafty"
Then wi aw except Horatio, and he trusts him as a friend
Hamlet, that's the boay, kids oan he's roon the bend
And because he wisnae ready for obligatory killin'
He tried to make the king think he was tuppence aff the shillin'
Took the mickey oot Polonius, treatit poor Ophelia vile
Tellt Rosencrantz and Guildenstern that Denmark was a jile
Then a troupe o travellin' actors, like 7:84
Arrived to dae a special wan-night gig in Elsinore

Hamlet, Hamlet loved his mammy
Hamlet, Hamlet actin' balmy
Hamlet, Hamlet hesitatin'
Wonders if the ghost's a cheat and that is how he's waitin'

Then Hamlet wrote a scene for the players to enact
While Horatio and him would watch to see if Claudius cracked
The play was ca'd The Moosetrap, no the wan that's runnin' noo
Sure enough the king walked oot afore the scene was through
So Hamlet's goat the proof that Claudius gi'ed his da the dose
The only problem bein' noo that Claudius knows he knows
So while Hamlet tells his ma that her new husband's no a fit wan
Uncle Claud pits oot a contract wi the English king as hitman
And when Hamlet killt Polonius the concealed Corpus Delecti
Was the king's excuse to send him for an English hempen necktie
Wi Rosencrantz and Guildenstern to make sure he goat there
But Hamlet jumped the boat and pit the finger oan that pair
Meanwhile Laertes heard his da had been stabbed through that arras
He cam racin' back to Elsinore, tout-de-suite, hot-foot fae Paris
Ophelia wi her da killt by the man she wished to marry
Efter sayin' it wi flooers, she committit hari-kari

Hamlet, Hamlet nae messin'
Hamlet, Hamlet learnt his lesson
Hamlet, Hamlet, Yorick's crust
Convinced him that men, good or bad, at last must come to dust

Then Laertes loast the place and was demandin' retribution
And the king said, "Keep the heid an' Ah'll provide ye a solution"
He arranged a sword fight for the interestit pairties
Wi a bluntit sword for Hamlet and a shairp sword Laertes
Then to make things double sure, the auld belt-and-braces line
He fixed a poisont sword-tip and a poisont cup o wine
The poisont sword goat Hamlet, but Laertes went an' muffed it
'Cause he goat stabbed hissel and he confessed afore he snuffed it
Hamlet's mammy drunk the wine and as her face turnt blue
Hamlet says, "Ah quite believe the king's a baddie noo
Incestuous, murderous, damnÚd Dane!" he said tae be precise
And made up for hesitatin' by killin' Claudius twice
'Cause he stabbed him wi the sword and forced the wine atween his lips
Then he cried, "The rest is silence," that was Hamlet hud his chips
They firet a volley ower him that shook the topmaist rafter
And Fortinbras, knee-deep in Danes, lived happy ever after

Hamlet, Hamlet, aw the gory
Hamlet, Hamlet, end of story
Hamlet, Hamlet, Ah'm away
If you think this is borin' ye should read the bloody play